Not too long ago I was talking to a loved one, and they were talking about how they don’t want to complain about being raped, because it wasn’t violent. They had no broken bones, no bruises. I’ve been there, feeling ashamed, feeling guilty that others were raped and left physically broken, while I was only breaking on the inside. I told myself, after the first rape, that maybe it wasn’t actually nonconsensual. Afterall, isn’t rape violent? Shouldn’t I have wounds on my body, physical evidence of a fight? Honestly, I still fight these feelings, but much less now. So, here are the facts.

The first time I was raped, it wasn’t a violent affair. I said no, I pushed him away, and he pretended not to hear me. He was stronger, and I stopped fighting. I shut down, and cut off my mind from my body. I came out of that night with no external wounds, but I was broken nonetheless. The moment he blatantly ignored my no, it became violent. Someone entered my body against my will. Someone took from me. That is a violent offense. Just as much as the other times I was raped, and physically hurt.

We tell ourselves whatever we need, in order to survive, and stay numb. It’s understandable, and not a single person can fault us for it. The truth is, we are doing ourselves more harm by not dealing with these things. I spent many many years not actually dealing with all of the physical and sexual assaults, and it only caused me more heartache. Talking to someone who knows how to help you, and wants to, is going to suck so much for a while. Allowing those feelings to rise to the top, and flow out of you is painful, but no more painful than if you fight them, and lie about being numb.

The truth is, you are going to be okay. There are people out there who love you, who would lay down their life in order to protect you. If you’re anything like me, you may be blind to those facts for awhile, but they’re still true. Your pain isn’t any less than mine. Your experiences in this horrid department, aren’t any less than anyone else’s. You aren’t any less. There is hope, and there is life after sexual assault.