Have you ever had someone be able to mold you into whoever they wanted you to be? Have you ever been so numb, so dead inside, that you believed whatever someone else told you, about yourself? I certainly hope not, but since these things are true for me, I know it’s likely someone else is out there feeling lost, confused, stuck, embarrassed, and terrified. Here’s my story of life with my ex, ‘E’.

I met E after becoming a widow, and after being raped. I was a shell of a person, angry, lonely, lost, passively suicidal. E was lively, outgoing, charismatic, and annoying. I’m still confused as to how we became friends, but we did.

I remember disliking E, and always having a sinking feeling around him. I always felt on edge, but attributed that to being an angry widow, and being in mourning for not only my late husband, but myself. E made me feel needed, which I hated, but accepted. Overtime he made me feel like I needed him. I was validated in my anger about certain things, and then in other things I was chastised, or worse. He would say things like ‘No one will ever hurt you again, if I’d been with you when you were raped, it never would have happened.’ But then he would turn around and tell me that I deserved to be raped, but that it’s okay because he loved me anyway. He would tell me that it’s good my husband died, because obviously I would have divorced him, and it would have broken his heart.

Because of the heavy subject matter, and because of the length of time I was with E, I’m going to do this in parts. Part two will be coming soon.