For several years I was told how to dress, how to do my hair. I was told what to say when talking to anyone outside of E’s circle. I was told what I could spend my own money on. Every aspect of my life was ruled by E. I had no say. Doctors appointments were always with him at my side, I was never alone, with the exception of my last therapist, Dr. C.

Imagine being fully reliant on another person for all of your needs/wants. Then imagine not having them. You’re on your own. It was agony. I hated E, I didn’t like him, didn’t love him, and yet my brain was telling me that I needed him. How was I going to function without him telling me what I could do, and how to do it? I felt lost, confused, angry, empty, and ashamed. I expected to get away from him and feel ecstatic, euphoric even, but I felt the opposite. How could I feel so dependent on someone so evil?

I didn’t open up about these feelings, to anyone outside of Dr. C. He expected them, and tried to quiet the suffocating shame I felt. He also knew that I’d tried to leave E twice before, and went back due to the overwhelming dependency I’d developed on him. This time I was determined to make it, it was my only choice outside of death. With Dr. C’s guidance, and the love and complete support of my family, and my future husband, I started to recover. I took baby steps, in learning how to live on my own. I felt like an infant, getting to know the world for the first time. I had to learn what my own likes and dislikes were. How did I like to dress? What did I enjoy watching on TV?

These feelings of intense and total dependency on an abuser are awful, but they are not final. Overcoming them, and thriving are possible. As long as you are breathing, there is hope. Your life is worth fighting for. Don’t let evil win.