This series takes a lot out of me, which is why I haven’t been consistent. Part of me just wanted to move on from it, but then I kept hearing people talk about the Sean Combs trial. People, like Bill Maher seem to think leaving an abusive situation is easy. As easy as calling the police, or just walking out. There are people who think if you are staying in a relationship where you are being abused, you must be gaining something from it, or maybe you’re just lying about it. So, I’ve decided to explain why I stayed, because I know I’m not the only one.

I recently heard FKA twigs explain that the abuse doesn’t just happen overnight. The prison and brokenness that becomes your mind doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s not one big moment that you can look back on and say, ‘That’s it!” It’s little moments, over a period of time. She is absolutely right. The abuser breaks you, little by little, until you’re fully dependent on them. Until you’re going crazy with self doubt, and a fear of life without them.

E started by being a friend. He listened to me, he sided with me, he would give me advice, he said he wanted me to be happy. He let me vent, cry, and constantly told me I was safe with him. No one would hurt me again. He failed to mention that he meant no one, outside of himself. Slowly, his tune would change. He would get angry and jealous if I was talking about another man. He would tell me that maybe I was drugged and raped because I made my ex mad. He started excusing past abusers. He started shaming me for my clothing, hair, makeup. He started playing on my weaknesses. He started planting seeds of doubt, and every day he would water them. He told me that I needed him, because clearly I wasn’t doing so well on my own.

I like to keep these short, so they’re quick reads for you, so I’ll split this up into parts. I won’t take forever this time, I promise.