Throughout the years, with and even before E, I had been told that I deserved the abuse I was receiving. Not only was it my fault, but not a single person would believe me if I were to speak of it. I started hearing these things when I was a young child, and when you hear the same thing over and over, from various different people, you believe it. I believed that I asked for the abuse, and I believed that no one would believe me. Even my family, who had a well established pattern of believing and supporting me.

With E, there was more. I was tired. Tired of living without my husband, tired of being abused, tired of fighting and surviving. E was my out. I was hoping he would kill me. He had it in him. I believed that I deserved whatever he gave me. I had rare, and fleeting thoughts of pressing charges, but what then? I had no doubts that he could talk his way out of charges, and make himself out to be the victim. He would have family and friends back him up, and I would be humiliated. He had love letters from me, and he would have testimonies from enough people saying I looked like a woman in love. I played my part a little too well.

I stayed because I wanted death, and I felt a twisted sense of security. E was the only person hurting me. If I was on my own, there would most likely be more. My history of abuse taught me that. I didn’t press charges because it was safer for me to just flee. There was a better chance of moving forward, healing, and surviving if I just left him alone. Perhaps he would let me go, and give me peace, if I kept my mouth shut.

Look at the Sean Combs verdict. With the video of him brutally abusing Cassie, and with her testimony, not to mention all of the other testimonies that supported hers, he is still getting a slap on the wrist. This outcome is why people like me don’t come forward. Sean Combs will walk away, and he will continue down his evil road of abuse and debauchery. He will harm other women, he will just be more careful. We don’t have faith in the justice system, so we stay quiet.