Yesterday I was so angry with the Sean Combs verdict, that when I wrote my post I left out a major part of why I, and many others, stayed in a long-term abusive relationship. Love bombs.

Oftentimes, when E would go off on me, physically or verbally, he would follow it up with the usual empty apologies. The apologies were more than just words, he would buy me things, too. He would treat me to a nice dinner, sometimes with his own money! He would buy me chocolates, or clothing. Sometimes he took me on trips. He was adamant that I was an alcoholic, but would buy me Arbor Mist sometimes, when he was especially violent. The cycle was, abuse, apologize, gift, and then back to the beginning.

People like E do these things on purpose. They get off on confusing us, on taking from us, and giving us a semblance of hope right before they strike again. Love bombing is another way they control us. E never felt guilty, his apologies were an act. They were part of the bigger picture. E wanted me broken, and he wanted to control me for as long as possible. Creating this hostile, unstable environment helped him immensely with breaking, and confusing me. Eventually you look forward to the gifts, the moments of peace, and fake love. Some part of your brain starts to believe that they do love you, you just tick them off and cause them to hurt you. So, you stay. You try to do better, be better. You walk on eggshells, and you submit.

With everything I’ve talked about in this series, maybe you can see how it’s possible for people to stay in hellish relationships. Our spirits get broken, we lose ourselves. We lose hope. Leaving isn’t realistic, usually. The violence could get worse, in my case I worried the violence would spread to my family. We believe our abusers when they tell us what would happen if we were to leave. We believe them when they tell us no one will believe us.