Let’s go back a little, so you know what happened to me that created so much hatred and anger towards God. My whole story helps tell the story of how I built an intimate relationship with Him, and how I came to know Him so well. Maybe you’ll see yourself here. I hope you don’t.

My story begins at conception. I am the product of rape. My biological ‘father’ is a monster. This is why I got off of Ancestry DNA, I didn’t want to find him. He makes up half of me, and to be completely honest with you, I’m disgusted and horrified by this. I’m still sorting through the emotions. Well, I would be if I stopped ignoring them.

My first sexual encounter happened before I was even in kindergarten. He was middle school age. After him, there were many. Males, females, older, same age, even extended family. One person abused me throughout almost an entire school year, in grade school. She bullied me into keeping my mouth shut about the things she did to me. On school grounds. Sometimes even in the classroom. This still haunts me. I’ve been abused on a school bus, in my own home, in cars, in a church.

Before you ask, my family has always been there for me. Fighting for me, believing me, grieving with me, getting me help. My parents, and brothers have always been fiercely protective over me. I have always felt their love and support. But, when there’s a will, there’s a way, and evil certainly had the will to keep hurting me. Sometimes when things were done to me, I didn’t tell anyone. I internalized it. After awhile, I expected the abuse, and I felt I deserved it, so I would just keep quiet.