Unbeknownst to me, E had been going around telling people that we were dating. He was marking his territory well before he made his first ‘official’ move on me. Looking back at the day I met M, it all becomes clear, but I was oblivious then. E had been warning me that M was an asshole, and not someone to date or trust. At the same time, he was warning M to stay away from me, that I was off limits, and I belonged to him. Let me tell you about my first meeting with M.

One warm, sunny day, E and I went to his friends house for a BBQ. I remember walking towards the house, looking up, and seeing the most gorgeous man. He was breathtakingly beautiful, and I felt deeply unsettled by how attracted I was to him. He spoke, and I got goosebumps. I had similar feelings as to when I first met my late husband, and that terrified me. M felt familiar, though we had never met. My walls were instantly up. I wasn’t going to fall in love with another, nor would I even flirt with the possibility. I wasn’t planning on sticking around, and for some reason, I didn’t just want a fling with M. I wanted more. We had just met!

We kept in touch, as friends. We had coffee together, played cards, smoked cigarettes, and talked for hours. He became my best friend. His presence was comforting, and brought me peace. I never told him what was going on behind the scenes, with E. I never told him when E started to get violent. I never told him that I was in love with him. M deserved happiness, and a full,  bright future with someone who was a whole person. I was still determined to die. I was not a whole person. I was used up, broken, and hopeless. I kept M at a distance, hoping he would find love, and live a long, happy life. I wanted the best for him, as he was a beautiful soul, worthy of the best life had to offer.