One morning, M woke up living the bachelor life, and that night he went to bed with me and my dog as his new roommates. My ex had finally scared me enough to flee the state, and seek safety in another. I didn’t tell anyone why I fled. Shame kept my mouth shut. I was also just plain exhausted. Fear can be tiring, but so can talking. Part of me was worried that if I spoke to loved ones about what E did, before I left him, and after, they’d confront him. He, of course would deny it, and then what? It’s my word against his. My other worry was, what if he became violent with them? He had expressed violent thoughts about them in the past.

The problem with fleeing the state where you’re seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist is that they no longer write you prescriptions. So, I’m in a new state, living with the man that I love, very suddenly, I’m exhausted from fear and panic, I have daily panic attacks, and constant anxiety, and unless I find new doctors I will be out of my meds. Talking was something I was done with, so I went off of my meds. Alone, and cold turkey. Again, I kept it to myself. It was my problem, and I was going to shoulder this burden alone.

Have you ever detoxed? Going off of medications that you take for PTSD, panic disorder, and depression is something that should be done slowly, and with the aid of a medical professional. Because I didn’t do it the right way, I struggled in ways I wasn’t prepared for. Depression hit hard, old feelings of being passively suicidal came back. That feeling of wanting to cut myself came back. Anxiety and panic were at all time high levels. I was tired all of the time, I was shaky, I was miserable. But, I was determined.